Abuse & The Law of Attraction
Abuse and the “Law of Attraction”
For some random reason, one morning, the memory of the evening that scleroderma ‘took root’ in my body manifest itself… I began, then, to absent-mindedly recall what exactly had triggered, decades before, the awakening of the disease that eventually so crippled my fingers. My mind went back to the first hint I’d had, many years ago, that something was very wrong with me… which was when I’d passed out on the stairs leading to the third floor of the condominium that my then-husband and I were sharing with my brother.
Satisfied that the memory of that moment was still intact — at almost 78 I liked to check in once in a while with the memory bank — I began to recall the events of that day that had led up to that moment and to the memory of the one thing that I’d been convinced at the time had caused me to pass out.
The day before the morning that I’d fainted on the stairs, I’d been to visit a nutritionist to get some assistance with digestive issues that I’d been having. I generally eschewed actual physicians whenever possible based on the advice that had been given to me when I was young by my pathologist father, “Avoid doctors if you can; I see more people in the morgue because of doctor’s errors than anything else.” Anyway, I didn’t have medical insurance and, as costly as the nutritionist would be, I knew that her fee would still be far less than that of an actual physician.
At the time — 1988 — “yeast infestation” was a big deal in new-age-type journalism; it was said to cause all manner of digestive issues and, apparently, the nutritionist I’d chosen was right on top of the latest trends. I left her domicile — her office was attached to her home — with a book, a diet program, and a list of supplements I was to pick up on the way home, supplements that, as it turned out, cost more than the appointment.
Being an order freak, when I got home, I arranged all the supplements in order of how many times a day they were to be taken, after which I set out my first doses. When I came to the one called “ox bile” something inside me cringed. That was a new sensation for me, this internal revulsion; it was very physical. It registered in my mind as “I don’t want to take that.”
A struggle ensued between what I’d been ‘told’ to do and the feeling I was getting from my body but, like any good little girl whose been raised with abuse knows, you do what you’re told to do… I took the pill.
Later that evening, when I finally got tired enough to want to get ready for bed, I headed upstairs but mid-way between the second floor and the third, where the bedroom I shared with my then-husband was, I got very dizzy and passed out on the steps. I had never passed out before. It was a very scary sensation for me. I recovered to find my husband trying to help me up and ultimately spent quite some time in a very warm bath collecting myself before heading for bed.
In retrospect, and having learned so much since those days, about the connection between physical and emotional digestion, I feel as if I may now grasp why I’d had the response I’d had and why there was that initial, internal, and very physical-feeling repulsion to a substance that was slated to improve the “digestion.”
Decades later I would realize that it most likely had not been the digestion of the food I’d consumed that day that had caused such a dramatic response, but the subconscious awakening in me of the roots of some powerfully emotion-fueled ‘information’ from my childhood — a childhood that had included both incest and sexual trafficking - that I had been vigorously — and unconsciously — suppressing.
That said, I never got to feeling any better.
A few months later, after being rebuked and humiliated by numerous physicians I would be diagnosed with a rapidly advancing case of diffuse progressive systemic sclerosis, AKA scleroderma. Ironically, the doctor who handed down that utterly correct diagnosis had been a student of my mother’s in Med School.
I would go on to be accepted into — and, ultimately cured by — an experimental treatment program — Extra Corporeal Photopheresis — being conducted at the very same hospital my parents had attended as med students… and where I’d been born.
I strongly feel, in retrospect, that my mind, unable, as a child, to process in any way both the amount and the kinds of abuse that my sister and I had endured as children, because of the financial benefit our mother’s parents received from sort of ‘renting us out’ to their friends and business associates, simply could not bear to carry the pain anymore of what my body was still holding on to, so whole and entire, in her consciousness… so when my body was given those pills to ‘enhance’ digestion, perhaps, knowing that she had not and still could not ‘digest’ what had happened to her as a child, she shut down, because my brain/our brain/mind was still unable to go there… at that time, the memories were still repressed; they would only return, full blown, about four years later…. ironically, on the day of my final photopheresis treatment.
The treatment was experimental. It was being tested on a few guinea pigs like myself who were in the process of dying from diffuse progressive systemic sclerosis, AKA scleroderma.
The physical body remembers… it’s not just the mind that has a memory. The body remembers because it has to. The body is an animal creature and the most important aspect of any animal is its survival instinct. The body never forgets… anything. Ever. The good news is, as I would come to discover in the following years, even though the body never forgets, it can be helped to let go of the emotional content around the memories, thereby placing the memories in the same category as pretty much anything you might ‘learn’ from reading a book. The memories can be induced to ‘lose their charge,’ at which point they become mere ‘information’.
It’s a win/win situation: you get to be free of the often odd and troublesome emotional outbursts that come with suppressed emotional information and you become a stronger, better-informed, and more compassionate human being. Maybe you even, as I eventually did, (years later) go on to write books to help other people learn to help themselves out of the pit that childhood abuse casts has cast them into. Those suppressed emotional memories, held within the cells of your body, are a big part of what generates the energetic aura you give off. They — the vibrating cells of your body, radiating your energetic signature out into the world… Those cells, not what you think about — are the actual basis of the so-called Law of Attraction.
You do, as so many self-help gurus like to say, “create your life,” but at least half of that so-called creation is the totally Unconscious Law of Attraction, (those cells I just referred to) drawing to you, like a magnet, everything that your body recognizes as what it is already hanging onto… because it’s familiar.
That second husband, the one that I have no more but to whom I was married for 23 years, unbeknownst to me until his death, had stolen from me during the course of our marriage, using my income to both to play the stock market and watch online pornography. He eventually bankrupted us. He was both jealous of me and my friendships with other women, and was unfaithful to me. The ‘signals’ my body had given off, a body that had been, essentially, programmed by sexual abuse as a child and young person, had attracted that kind of human being to me and I, none the wiser to any of this kind of information at the time, was naturally — energetically — attracted to him. You draw to you what you are carrying. I had a lot of ‘work’ to do… on myself.
I’d learned a lot about myself over those 23 years of marriage to a man like that. It had been a valuable, if painful, learning experience, but then, life can be like that…. however, as it turns out, lucky for me, it can also be heaven on earth… you just need to do what needs to be done and get straight with yourself… whatever that may entail. It’s different for everybody.
Books by Rev. Victoria Pendragon, HDD
Sleep Magic, Surrender to Success and The Sleeping Phoenix
https://ozarkmt.com/product/sleep-magic-surrendering-to-success-ebook-by-victoria-pendragon/
https://ozarkmt.com/product/the-sleeping-phoenix-by-victoria-pendragon/ (also available as an e-book)
Autobiography: Scorpio x 10
